


She promised she'd make the right choice

by PointySticksAndAPlan



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Drunk Roxy, F/F, F/M, Rape? (YMMV it was just making out so i decided not to use a warning), Suicide Attempt, make of that what you will, roxy is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-25
Updated: 2016-10-25
Packaged: 2018-08-24 14:39:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8375986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PointySticksAndAPlan/pseuds/PointySticksAndAPlan
Summary: So yeah. I wrote and thing, and it's sad, but I hope you liked it! If you have anything to say, please feel free to comment. I'd love to answer whatever questions you may have.





	1. No

The light streaming through the window caused Roxy to stir, head throbbing. The living room floor was wooden, warm and rough to the touch. A glass sat on the table next to her.

 

She had been drinking. Again. Third time this week.

 

It had been a year since they beat the game, and after everything went back to normal, well, for values of the word normal, old issues came knocking at the door. 

 

Self-doubt. 

 

Anxiety.

 

Guilt.

 

They hung over her in a haze as thick as the one outside her window, or the one produced by all the gin and vodka she drank last night.

 

God, she hated herself.

 

She promised she’d stop.

 

She promised all of them. Dirk, Jake, Jane, Rose, Dave, John, Jade, Calliope… and she did, for a while. It was easier in the session. There were monsters to fight and puzzles to solve and other things to occupy her mind. But when most of your day is spent relaxing, as leisure time, it’s hard not to start thinking, and thinking hurt more than the hangovers.

 

She promised she’d stop.

 

She told herself she had control again. That she could just have some, and not end up a total mess again. That she could even keep some in the house for Rose or Kanaya or Dirk to drink, as they sometimes did. That she could go down to Rose’s workshop to fetch something without wasting all her supplies making whatever terrible excuse for a beverage she’d think of that day. That someone could turn their back on her without her using her, now heavily refined, void powers to summon a glass of whiskey.

 

She promised she’d stop… and she did, for a while.

 

It got to be too much. All the things she’d done wrong, all the stupid things she said, all the ways she’d hurt people, how she could never be good enough. It was literally impossible. She HAD to make all those mistakes and say all those things and hurt all those people. There was no other way to win. Maybe that’s comforting to some, but it just made the Rogue of Void feel like nothing really had any meaning. 

 

Predestination made her scared, not content and carefree.

 

She would cry if she weren’t so dehydrated. She started to dry sob, and her sounds echoed down the small hallway. 

 

She rose into a sitting position, and woah nope. That was definitely not happening.

 

Instead, she drug herself over to the cabinet, and snatched a bottle of water off the top. She then crawled over to the couch, banged her leg loudly on the table, hoisted herself up, and put a pillow on her face to block the light, sipping water out of the corner of her mouth.

 

She’d been drinking normally last night. What made her drink so much to blackout in the fir- oh god. 

 

No.

 

Nononononononononononono.

 

She didn’t, did she?

 

She did.

 

It felt so good, but,

 

Oh god.

 

This was too far. 

 

This wasn’t one step too far, this was jumping in a fucking rocket ship and speeding past the line at 17,000 miles per hour. She forced Dirk to make out with her… and… fuck... maybe more than that.

 

Oh god.

 

And she thought she hated herself three minutes ago.

 

Oh god.

 

She would’ve screamed into the pillow on her face, but she didn’t want to wake Rose and Kanaya, and… god forbid Dirk. 

 

She couldn’t stand to face him, or anyone else. She couldn’t stand to face herself.

 

She never wants to look at herself again. Why would they? She’d been so awful to them all this time… so callous and terrible.

 

She summoned a pen and some paper, and, in the best handwriting she could muster given her condition, wrote a note.

 

She stole the nothingness from the idea of a gun. A very specific gun.

 

A pistol. Less effort.

 

.22 caliber. No blood splatter.

 

Suppressed. No noise.

 

One bullet. No more effort than needed.

 

Hair trigger. No backing out.

 

She leveled it to the back of her head, and put her finger on the trigger. The world went dark, it fell from her hand, and her head hit the table with a soft thud.


	2. Now

Rose had been “awake” for some time, but she had decided to relax for a while, staring at the ceiling, listening to the soft breathing of her girlfriend beside her.

 

She heard Roxy crying downstairs just barely, and decided not to worry too much about it. She was pretty much inconsolable when she cried. Not much to do but wait it out and comfort her afterwards.

 

After a while, there was a muffled thump. That was probably her cue to get up and make sure Roxy was okay and didn’t trip and hurt herself or something.

 

She did as had, at that point, become habit. Check the thing she could do to have the most fortuitous day with her Light powers. Seemed an efficient way to go about deciding what to do.

 

...Call Vriska. Now.

 

... Roxy… Oh god.

 

Rose practically jumped out of bed, rolling over Kanaya, waking her up. She slept very lightly. She still wasn’t used to human beds.

 

“Rose What The Hel-”

 

“Kan, shhhhh! There’s no time.”

 

Rose picked up the jury-rigged phone, hit 8, and raised the phone to her ears. 

 

“Come on, pick up you blue-blooded bitch!” Rose seethed, teeth clenched, as Kanaya looked on in confusion.

 

“L8l9nd8, wh8t th8-”

 

“No time. Roxy. Sleep powers. Now.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Just do it!”

 

Rose slammed the phone back onto the hook, and ran out of the room.

 

She vaulted the railing, using her powers to keep her from falling to certain minor injury.

 

Roxy was asleep at the table, a pistol by her foot.

 

Rose’s heart skipped a beat when she saw the gun, but she relaxed. She assumed the worst from that oddly specific fortuitous course of action, and it looks like she was right. At least Vriska did it on time.

 

Kanaya came rushing down the stairs.

 

“Rose What’s The Matte- Oh”

 

Rose kicked the gun back to Kanaya with her heel.

 

Her voice quivered. “Kanaya, do me a favor. Take this out back and saw it, please. I, uh, need a second here.”

 

The jade-blood bent down, picked up the gun, and stepped outside.

 

Rose noticed a letter on the table. It was scrawled hastily in dark blue ink. She tried to read it, but the tears made her eyes blurry.


	3. Sorry

Roxy began to stir from the noise of the chainsaw outside.

 

“wha- ooooooh fuuuuuuuuck. please tell me it worked and im in hell. rose, tell me this is my own personal hell and you aren’t really here.”

 

“Roxy, how, why, what did I-we do wrong? Why…”

 

Dirk yelled from the railing, “What in the actual the fuck are you doing with your chainsaw out at 9 in the god-damn morning?”

 

Kanaya’s screamed over her chainsaw. “I Am Destroying A Gun”

 

Dirk’s eyes widened.

 

Roxy covered her ears. “rooooooooooose make the noise stop. it hurts. :( ”

 

Rose held her hand out in a “stop” motion, with a look that said the poor gun had had enough. The chainsaw quieted.

 

“dirk im sorry im a terrible shitty person im sorry”

 

Dirk sighed loudly, jumped the rail, and gently floated down as Rose had.

 

“No, you aren’t. You… did a bad thing. I’m don’t forgive you, and I’m not sure I ever will. You… aren’t a bad person, though. You were drunk. It wasn’t ‘you’.” He sighed deeply, again. “Shouldn’t’ve had any myself. I got sloppy and cut you too much slack, let you get drunk.”

 

“I don’t understand. Dirk, what happened? What did she do? Roxy, why would yo-”

 

“Later, Rose. Get her some water, and watch her closely… I’m gonna go for a walk… maybe you should let Kanaya talk to her,” he said as he walked out the door, straightening his glasses.


	4. Good

Kanaya sat on Roxy’s bed, pink silk sheets seeming to glean slightly in the weak winter sun.

 

Roxy was lying down, pillow over her face, as the shades were open for Kanaya’s benefit. She held a glass of water, which had been refilled twice already since she was given it. 

 

“So Roxy Would You Like To Talk About It”

 

“no”

 

“Well Thats Unfortunate Because We Are Going To Talk About It”

 

“fun”

 

“Why Did You Do This Roxy?”

 

“cause im a terrible horrible bad person and i deserve it” roxy gestured with her free arm in a way that indicated that this should have been obvious

 

“That Is A Blatant Lie And You Know It” Kanaya’s voice took a sterner tone.

 

“no it isnt”

 

“Fine That May Be The Reason But What Is The Reason For This Reason”

 

“uggggggh :(“

 

“Based On What I Overheard I Assume It Has To Do With Dirk”

 

“yeah” Roxy lifted the pillow to take a swig of her water

 

“Are You Going To Tell Me About It”

 

“no im gonna lay here until i shrivel up and die”

 

“With The Amount of Water You Are Drinking That Will Take Quite Some Time And If You Really Find This Conversation So Unpleasant It Would Be Unwise To Prolong It”

 

“maybe i smooched him up a little okay. alright maybe a lot. and maybe i put my hands some places i shouldntve. and maybe i put his hands some places i shouldntve”

 

“Oh Was It Because You Were Drunk”

 

“probably” She took another sip “also probably because im a terrible awful person and everyone hates me and i deserve to die cause all i ever do is hurt people and let people down”

 

“Roxy No You Aren’t” Kanaya thought about reaching out to Roxy’s shoulder, but decided against it. “You Are The Only Reason Your Session Was Able To Stay United Long Enough For John Dave Jade And Rose To Arrive” Roxy peeked from behind her pillow for a moment. “You Saved Your Friends Rose Just Ask Terezi”

 

“what does she know”

 

“Only The Entire Combined Knowledge Of All Four Of You About The Topic That You All Told Rose For Her To Write Down In That Book Which Several Of Us Including Terezi Later Read”

 

“oh yeah, that”

 

“Roxy You Are Important And We All Care About You Even Dirk” Kanaya looked away for a moment. “He’s Just Understandably Irritated Right Now And I Suggest You Avoid Conversation With Him But He Most Certainly Doesnt Hate You Or Any Such Nonsense” Kanaya thought about reaching out to touch Roxy’s shoulder, and decided to do it this time. “And For What Its Worth Youre One Of The Nicest, Most Considerate, And Most Pleasant People Ive Ever Met When Youre Sober At Least”

 

“thanks, i guess, kan”

 

“By The Way Rose Has Removed All The Alcohol From The House Along With All Materials That Would Allow You To Make Any And She Is Instructing Everyone To Avoid Giving You Any Ever And Also Davepetasprite Will Be Following You Basically Everywhere As They Dont Need To Sleep And We Figured They Were The Least Creepy Choice Of Sprites”

 

“figures. not like it will stop me from stealing some booze from the void. or a gun. also please tell me they wont follow me into the bathroom and that they can stay far away from me until the hangover is gone”

 

“No They Wont Yes Thats Okay And Though We Cant Control Your Decisions We Are Trying To Make The Right Choice As Easy As Possible For You” Kanaya stood up “Now If You Need Anything Or Want To Talk Just Call For Me Or Talk To Davepeta” She opened the door

 

“kan why does the right choice hurt” She took off the pillow. Tears were streaming down her face. “why is the right choice so fuckin hard”

 

Kanaya stared into the distance thoughtfully for a moment. “Its Like When You Take Off A Medicated Sticky Healing Strip After Having Worn It For A Long Time The Skin Underneath Is Very Sensitive And Even Tiny Pressures Can Hurt And Be Uncomfortable But If You Dont Press Through The Pain Youll Never Get To Feel The Softness Of A Blanket Or The Smoothness Of Glass Or The Warmth Of A Loving Touch.”

 

“kan, i choose the right option”

 

“Good”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah. 
> 
> I wrote and thing, and it's sad, but I hope you liked it! 
> 
> If you have anything to say, please feel free to comment. I'd love to answer whatever questions you may have.


End file.
